“I can enjoy that which is beautiful in a relationship, without expecting it to be perfect.”
Download discussion questions: James 1:19-27
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I encourage you to look at the passage in James before you read this Blog entry. What do you see in the text yourself? What questions come to your mind? How would you interpret what the writer says? After even a few minutes examining and thinking about the text you will be much better prepared to evaluate the comments in the Blog.
As mentioned before, our group intends to be more than a Bible study. This week’s time together was another good example of what that can look like, how a meaningful inductive study can generate conversations that matter.
Consider It All Joy
We have spent several weeks exploring the depths of James, chapter one. Our conversation this week started with one member sharing a new perspective on joy in trials (James 1:2-4). The person’s perspective had shifted. James is not calling for joy because of the trial, but because of what God is doing in us through the trial. The trials are still painful, but they are never arbitrary or random. “God has perfectly designed this for me” was the summary. As a previous pastor often said, “Nothing happens that has not first gone through the heart of the Father.” That change in perspective eliminates the unrealistic attempts to find joy in grief or anguish or pain. The joy is in the trustworthiness of God and what He is doing.
Joy Based on Trust
This beginning spurred a conversation that lasted for our time together (two and a half hours). Someone observed that we don’t always see what God is doing. Can we still trust Him? The error of the Israelites (one of several) was their hard heart, that “they are people who err in their heart and they do not know my ways” (Psalm 95:8-10, quoted multiple times in Hebrews 3-4). Faced with more trials than they were willing to endure, they refused to trust God. They were “unpersuaded” of God’s wisdom, or of His love, or of His power. Therefore, they chose not to trust Him. Belief in those qualities of God’s character enable us to trust Him even when His purpose is beyond our understanding or even beyond our imagination.
And yet, even with confidence in God and trust in Him, trials are unpleasant, even painful. As someone commented, “It is OK to be sad.” Acknowledging pain is acceptable. Several people have been in past church environments where that acknowledgement was seen as a lack of faith. If sharing pain is unacceptable, we are faced with impossible objectives: denying pain to display a caricature of faith and pretending genuine joy in hardships. Avoiding uncomfortable sharing severely limits the opportunities for growth.
Trust Based on Safety
In contrast, a safe environment allows sharing pain and even sharing doubts. That kind of environment stimulates conversations that point to the joy James is describing. The joy (even in sadness or pain) is in what God is doing, not in what is happening to me. Uncomfortable sharing is still awkward, and even risky. But the opportunities for growth and building community justify the risk. One person in our group pointed out that some awkward questions and uncomfortable sharing forty years ago established a relationship that continues today.
The conversation then turned to the practical question, “How do we grow in trusting God enough to ‘consider it all joy’?” One person replied, “We grow in trust by trusting.” Trusting God in small things will strengthen our trust when more serious trials confront us. We talked about reminding ourselves of what we know to be true about God, of being renewed in our minds (Romans 12).
Being in a community (a safe environment) enables us to encourage one another when we see opportunities to grow in trust. Instead of immediately offering solutions to fix another’s problem, we can explore how God might be working. Often soul care asks questions that the other person has not yet thought of.
Even in community, as someone shared, it is difficult to share struggles and to ask for help. Sharing a need implies asking, and accepting help that is offered can be hard. Why? The responses kept coming back to pride. We don’t want to be seen as weak or needy. We don’t want to admit that we are not in control. Our individualistic culture sets independence and self-reliance as marks of our identity. That mindset contrasts with the first-century environment of church as a family. (This is a topic one of our members may teach about soon.) The mutual interdependence and commitment to one another in the first-century family was a model for the ancient church. Someone commented that today church is often considered an obligation rather than an opportunity for in-depth interaction among close family members.
Another person noted that today a team (such as a sports team) more closely approximates the community of the ancient church. Teams have a common goal, each member has a particular role to play based on skill, and there is an overriding commitment to the good of the whole team, not to individual glory or success. Self-sacrifice for others marks a team’s attitude. Sharing in the common goal is more important than differences or even disagreements over lesser matters. Teammates don’t have to agree about politics or other in peripheral areas as long as the common goal is primary. We agreed that this sounds more like the beginnings of the church.
Safety Based on Listening
We talked about the obstacles to that team-like commitment in churches, including ours. In the context of the study of the letter of James, our thoughts turned to his exhortation: “let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19). Numerous issues came up.
- We speak quickly without thinking and without listening.
- We are more interested in expressing our thoughts than understanding another’s.
- We are quick to justify ourselves, to self-protect if we feel hurt or threatened.
- We want to get our thoughts out before the conversation moves on.
- We want the last word in the conversation.
- We feel entitled to correct the other person, since we are right and they are wrong.
We considered these various reasons for our reactions. Someone suggested that there are times when an innocent comment can recreate issues from past experiences – maybe from a recent experience or maybe from early childhood. An original wound can be reopened, and our reaction is more about that earlier pain than the current conversation. For example, a person who was frequently interrupted as a child may overreact to an unintentional and ill-timed remark. As one member said, “What we hear is often filtered through our past trauma.” We retreat into what another person described as “protection mode.” Those past feelings can smother the “quick to hear” response and ignite anger.
This is not to shift blame to other people or to past events. Instead, the value of soul care in a safe community is to explore why we respond to others through the filter of those old wounds. Often those kinds of reactions have lasted for years because we don’t fully recognize the effect those past experiences continue to have. The wounds may never heal this side of glory, but we can help each other discover and understand the effect they have today. That understanding can help each of us respond in healthier ways. As we help each other understand what goes on inside of us and why we react poorly, we help each other learn to listen.
Listening Based on Jesus’ Sufficiency
Our focus turned to dealing with our reaction when we don’t listen well. What happens when we respond with hasty speech or impulsive anger? The general consensus seemed to focus on “beating ourselves up.” But then the question became, “To what purpose?” An expression of frustration with our failure? A default reaction to a stressful situation?
A helpful insight by one of our group pointed to the distinction between guilt and shame.
- Guilt says you did something bad.
- Shame says you are
Other comments expanded on that helpful clarification.
- Guilt is turned outward, toward God and others, mourning sin against Him and them. Guilt is essentially relational, concerned with how my sin impacts others (including God). Guilt turns me towards God and His work of sanctification in my life. Guilt is ultimately God-obsessed.
- Shame is turned inward, toward myself alone, mourning my pain, my embarrassment. Shame is essentially behavioral, concerned with my actions and how others perceive me, even how I perceive myself. Shame is about me, about trying harder, doing better, or repeatedly telling myself “stop it.” Shame is ultimately self-obsessed.
After that part of our conversation (which included more specific, personal examples than are included here), we began to focus on an underlying problem. Shame is marked by dependence on our own abilities. The only solution to sin is to do better, to try to measure up. When we repeatedly fail, the result is more shame. And there is no answer to shame other than trying harder next time. Shame creates its own self-contained spiral.
Plus, as someone else observed, there is a link between “self-shaming” and our lack of forgiveness toward others. Our unrealistic expectations for ourselves can carry over to our expectations of others.
However, when we remember and remind ourselves (and one another) of Christ’s sufficiency, there is an answer to guilt. He has taken on all our guilt and redeemed us. As we were reminded by one of the songs we sang during our worship time, “Jesus Paid It All.” Our failures, even (especially) our relational failures about listening and speaking and anger, are redeemed because of Jesus’ sufficient work. As a person commented, “I may be a knucklehead, but I’m still in Christ.”
Instead of beating ourselves up because of our behavior (shame) we can remind ourselves (and one another) of Christ’s sufficiency (for our guilt). The more we are aware of that reality the better we will be able to deal with trials. The more we are conscious of the sufficiency of Christ, the more we will be able to engage with others in community, being quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. The sufficiency of Christ liberates each of us from the spiral of shame and frees us to relate to others more like Jesus Himself did.
When I acknowledge that none of us are perfect in this life, I can enjoy that which is beautiful in a relationship, without expecting it to be perfect.[1]
1] Francis Schaeffer, True Spirituality, quoted by Andrée Seu Peterson, “Different by design,” World Magazine, May 4, 2024; https://wng.org/articles/different-by-design-1713063856 .